Little Castle

"Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what you're made of
you might bend, till you break
cause its all you can take
on your knees you look up
decide you've had enough
you get mad you get strong
wipe your hands shake it off
then you stand, then you stand"
~Rascal Flatts

If you have never heard this song, I recommend that you listen to it. Always gives me mixed feelings. But today, it gives me a good feeling. I'm not ashamed to write that the tears are flowing freely right now. They're not necessarily tears of sadness nor tears of joy. Maybe a mixture of sadness, joy, relief, fear, confusion. But definitely not bad, they are the best tears I've had in a long time. I got a message tonight on my phone while I was in class, from Felix. He sounded so down and it tears me apart to hear him like that. With absolutely nothing I can do to make him feel better. I don't know Felix that well, I met him at WVU and coincidentally he served with Shane. Actually he was one of the ones who found... yeah I'm not really going to finish that, you can figure it out on your own. The point of this is, I know as much about this kid as... his dentist. I know one part of his life and we will forever be connected through that part. Whether we ever talk again past the day he gets home, I am fine with that. If my mind never drifts to the thought of him again after that day, oh well. But for now, he will never be off my mind, or out of my prayers, and I will forever be at the end of the phone line. I know he will stand, and I don't know why, but I know he'll be ok. So many things are in his favor, and I know he has an angel looking over him. It makes me laugh, I am so proud of him and all the others, and as much as I hate it and as much as I avoid the situation, it seems to seek me out, there must be a reason. I can handle it, I can handle being the one who knows, the one who gets the panic calls, the one who listens, and makes people laugh, you know why? Cause I get the good calls too, and for as many bad calls as I have ever gotten. The good calls are worth it, that one hug is worth it, seeing that one moment of vulnerability that breaks through the steel, is worth it. I talked to a six year old about a boy and boogers today, and got a message from a 24 year old about feeling completely alone in a desert. They are both worth it. I remember Marcus asking a question my senior year, if you had the option to kill a child, lets say the 6 year old little girl I talked to today, and it would destroy all the diseases, famine, war, and poverty in the world, would you do it? Make the world perfect at the cost of a single child? You are the only one who can pull the trigger. Not real sure why it comes back to me now.

I'm feeling a bit odd right now, might be the alcohol, I think I have had a smidge too much. It's a good feeling. This post probably makes no sense, kind of a jumble of words, at least that is how they are in my head. Not tired but feel like I should try and get some rest, with all the thoughts stuffed into my head it might be hard. I think I've had more than I should have, could be an interesting morning, I have lost my censor and I see little balls of sunshine. goodnight

so i think recently i have lost my mind, i'm freaking out over dumb things. what the heck is going on?

haha... i'm old and wearing a tiara. it makes me giggle.

i have the sweetest person in my life that i have ever had right now. i found this out last night. how did i get so lucky? it's a mystery.

still feeling a little low, but definately making a comeback. have so much to get done in the next few weeks, with vacation next week hopefully i'll crank out these three huge papers and get it done. why do i always procrastinate like this?

i plan to write one paper sunday. just don't know which one, thinking maybe criminology. which means an entire day in the library could use some company. Well i'm out running home for a while then test tonight.

I thought I’d change this up a bit and post when things are really good. I’ve had and amazing past few weeks. It started with going to Wilmington, Delaware with 3 of my favorite boys for a weekend. I had so much fun and didn’t want to come back to school. We took an Amtrak train, it was so great, and I’ve never been on a train. Then last week I was on spring break, the beginning of the week was really boring especially during the day. Monday night I played video games with the kid downstairs all night, went to the bar on Tuesday which I liked, but after bar was nicer. Watched Saw III on Wednesday with Mark, Mark, Kim, and Ian, I’m not a fan, gore doesn’t normally bother me but that was really gross. Really glad I wasn’t alone, well maybe not cause I wouldn’t have watched it that wouldn’t have been bad. Thursday I went out to Rachel’s to the bar, even my brother came out that was kinda fun. We don’t ever get to go the bar anymore which is where I actually know my brother. Friday was my first night alone, it’s weird to be alone when I was surrounded by others all week. Weekend was fun went to Loews theater down in Pittsburgh with Mark saw Wild Hogs for the second time. I like that movie. Then later I watched Point Break, I liked it, I own it but I’ve never seen it, glad I got the choice of movie that night. I had to start work again on Sunday that sucked, but it was a good morning so it wasn’t so bad, all good things are worth the punishment I have to go through. (little drastic, work is not punishment)

I’m an idiot… I found this out today. Ice is slippery. And my body bruises when hitting pavement. I’m hoping this new information will be helpful in the future, although it would have been nice to find it out earlier. Before the bruises…

Chad’s third chemo went well. Not nearly as sick as the last time, thank goodness. I was worried. Well that’s pretty much all, at least all that I’m going to put on here. I’m hoping for some distraction this week from school work… I think it can be arranged.

I haven’t posted in a while things have been going really good lately. I guess I only need this thing when things have gone bad. Not everything is currently bad, I just found out this evening that I needed to fill out an application to graduate by tomorrow and have it signed by my advisor, who conveniently isn’t in on Thursdays. So I’m going to the department heads office tomorrow to see if because of my lack of knowledge if I can still graduate in May. I’m crossing my fingers that someone else will sign it.

My main problem of the day was Chad. His second round of chemo today didn’t go so well. I remember last time, the only person I could ever sit with and hold while he threw up everything his system could. Him being so far away and not being able to get to him, I’m debating on flying out there for spring break, I don’t have the money, but that’s when his third round will be. I want to sit there and hold him as he cries. To have to listen to him on the phone is heartbreaking. By the time I hung up with him he had dry heaved so bad he was bringing up blood. He was speaking in coherent sentences but all he really kept saying was that he wanted his mom, and saying he knew how childish he was being but he just wanted his mom. I’ve only ever heard him say that once before, while we were laying on the bathroom floor after a particularly bad treatment 3 or 4 years ago. He was crying and I was holding him, he just kept repeating I wish my mom was here, I want my mom, why is she gone? I cried so hard with him trying to comfort him, nothing worked though. There was nothing I could do to help him and there is nothing I can do now, I can’t even be there for him this time. He’s so far away and so sick and so scared. Ryan is with him and he’s been through Chad’s cancer once before but last time he didn’t get sick. This time apparently not the case. I just want to be with him. Why did he move to Washington? I could be in West Virginia every time he would need me, but across the country is so much harder. I just want to hold him in my arms and rock him when he cries. I want so bad to…. It doesn’t even matter cause I can’t. I’m getting scared 4 times is a lot to put his system through.

I was hoping for some sleep tonight, but with my mind going crazy and a chainsaw in my room, it’s not coming very easily. I’m off to try again, my body is so tired. and i'm scared of a tears occurance that my body is too tired to handle. but other than those three things:
~Graduation
~Chad
~lack of sleep/crying
everything is wonderful. Life is good, my friends are great. I'm so tired. goodnight i hope

so i understand my last post was a little on the depressing side. and my appologies for that. although i'd like to say i didn't mean it. at the time i did, currently i'm back to normal. well as normal as i get.

i had a tv dinner date tonight, that was kind of fun. we watched derailed and ate some pretty nasty tv dinners followed up by a thumb print cookie, it was tasty. i wish i could enjoy nights like this, but something in my head is stopping me. the perfect night lacking the key element....i need to stop thinking like that.

i am very much enjoying all this snow, it's so pretty and fun. i sat outside tonight for a good 15 minutes alone just letting it snow around me, although it wasn't snowing hard, it was just enough to help relax and try to clear my mind of this negativity that i somehow picked up. after awhile i got a little cold, but i didn't want to go in. then i got a text message that made me smile, but defeated my purpose of being outside and alone, not that i didn't like getting it, but it signaled time to go in.

anyway it's very cold sitting here. and the purpose of this entire post is that i'm ok, i'm upset about this past week, but it's been a hard week and i should be sad. also before i go i heard again from felix, he called seemed very upset but atleast very much alive. as with any soilder he couldn't say much, but currently he is safe, he's not hurt past a few scrapes, cuts, and bruises. he seems better than i thought he would. told me he'd call again as soon as he got the chance and that i better send him another letter soon, he lost one out of his pocket and it feels empty now. anyway just wanted you to know, goodnight.

I haven’t posted here for a while, a lot of things have been happening and I couldn’t really find the right words to say. I’ve bared myself a lot recently and it doesn’t really seem to be to much avail. I’m not sure what I thought would happen; I guess I watch too many movies. I expected some great revelation, as childish as that is, then everything to change. In reality, nothing has changed, everything is the same. This isn’t what I expected, or what I prepared myself for. As if by some cruel joke, it’s like nothing has ever happened, like I didn’t do anything. It makes me laugh, not in a humorous way, in a how-could-I-be-this-stupid kind of way. The laughter soon turns to tears and so does my mind and heart to other topics.

Kasey Matthews died on Tuesday, January 23. His heart stopped for the final time. It’s weird, he’s been gone for almost 2 weeks, unconscious and his heart stopping daily. There was no chance of coming back, but I still had that image in my mind. I knew it wasn’t possible but for some reason I held out some type of hope. Therefore I didn’t handle Tuesday to well. I needed a friend but went back to my old ways and I didn’t call anyone. I need to stop thinking I have to do everything alone, it doesn’t make me stronger, it makes me weaker.

Everything is a constant battle. I’m tired of this fight, it can’t be won.

On another note I got an email from Felix. “im still alive” was all it said. That statement invokes both relief and fear. I hope he’s alright, I know he’s not, but alive is a good start.

thank you for everything you have done for me recently.......